Without a Net

I know that most everyone feels that their life is a non-stop balancing act… I won’t disagree. Over the last couple of years I have felt more and more like I’m walking a tight-rope made of glass and covered in dish soap and every time I feel as though I’m building up some sort of safety net, someone somewhere yanks it away.

In September of 2007 my oldest son was diagnosed with Leukemia (A.L. L.) at the age of 8. At this point, my youngest son was 3.

From that point on, my youngest took a back-seat to big brother’s hospitalizations, Dr’s appointments, etc. I’ve had heartbreaking conversations with my baby boy on the phone when he’s asked me “Mommy, are you ever coming back for me?”

What person could hear that and not fall to pieces?

So here we are now, we’ve made it to 2009 and while the oldest doesn’t stop chemo until 12/2010 he’s doing well and is not on the “strong” stuff that he was previously.

Things should be getting better… right? Why can't it be THAT simple?

I can’t build up any leave at work because the “big” boy still gets sick more often than typical kids and I’m out for Dr’s appointments, blood work and the like. There’s still the medical bills and the daily medications which are a routine part of my child’s life and a routine gaping hole in my budget.

I’m on my own here, and I feel like I’m going to fall at anytime… fail at any moment

Now my little guy has to have his tonsils and adenoids removed… and guess what loving mommy will most likely have to take (even more) leave without pay? Yeah… I should be able to take that week of recovery to be with my child… not stressing over how to balance him and where he can go so that I can get back to work. That’s not fair to him…it’s just not right.

This additional drain of my leave means that I’ve had to cancel my trip to D.C. for a pediatric cancer advocacy group. Not to mention, my oldest is supposed to have a trip with Make A Wish… and guess who won’t have “leave” balances available for that either? Uh-huh. You got it, leave without pay.

Through all of this (and here comes where I really sound bitter) where have the “helpers” of the world been? The fundraising, house cleaning, meal making, awareness helpers that are supposed to be there for me… for my boys… to help relieve the crushing amounts of stress that I just don’t know what to do with anymore… Do you know where they are?

I don’t either.

Here I am… in debt beyond my eyeballs, with no hope of ever regaining the career that I once had, no hope of anyone ever offering to take up the reigns and save me… just no hope.
I’m truly not one to willingly ask for help… or to really expect it. I wasn’t brought up on “hand-outs” or ever been given lavish gifts or money. I have no expectations for what people should do… and I have no problem working for me and my children’s lives… but would it really be the end of the world if just a little simple free good graces fell on us with no strings attached…one win-fall of WOW?

What does a girl like me hang onto... this tight-rope isn’t holding up so well…

Da Rulez

It's amazing just how many ways one's own life can become screwed up.

I've generally been a girl that follows "THE RULES" to life.

Be kind to others

Don't take what isn't yours

Give whenever you can give

Earn a living and use your money responsibly

Work hard and you'll be rewarded

Love openly, honestly and loyally

Well, I could go on, but I won't... Anyway, I'm not perfect, don't get me wrong. I break the law daily in my commute to work (I speed) and there are times when I don't necessarily give when I could give... but over all, I have followed those rules to life.

So, why is it that I continue to get the absolute opposite of those rules thrown in my face and used against me?

Most people in my life have been far from kind, I've had things (including purses/cash) stolen from me, those who have "a lot" that are close to me, still don't give when they could, ***work related items omitted**, and love? HA... the "love" in my life was not open, honest or anything near to loyal.

So...WHAT'S UP!?!?!?!

Tid Bits

My Son: Mommy, I don't want my hair cut. I think i like it long.
Me: well bud, your daddy likes it short and if you go to visit with long hair he's gonna get it cut.
My Son: but I like it longer
me: so do i...talk to your daddy and see what he says
My Son: but mommy... daddy's not the boss of you anymore!?!?!?!

WOW...

It's a HEAVY Issue

Yes... Every pun was intended...

OMG, I got on a scale this morning for the first time in a long time and I thought that I would be sick. Literally I felt physically ill!

I am back to my pre-separation weight! I've gained back everything that I lost and I am edging on tears right now!

Do they still wire jaws shut???

If It's Free... It's for Meeeeee

This is super duper simple...

Do you like free?

Do you like chicken?

Do you like FREE CHICKEN?


Then woo hoo... Free Grilled Chicken Meal from KFC!


Yup... soak it in... let it register... FREEEEEEE ....

You will have to load the coupon printer software from Coupons, Inc. however, it too is free. HA!

Offer valid 05/05/09 - 05/19/09 (excluding Mother's Day)

I Lu-Lu-Lu- Oh hell, I Give Up

<----- Have stick figure cartoon people ever made more sense?

Have you ever read "Maybe He's Just Not That Into You" I have...Yet I apparently still have a problem with ACTUALLY LIVING IT.
The sad thing is that the "strong woman" inside of me totally gets the book. No B.S., no complications, no excuses... If he wants to be with me, He WILL BE WITH ME...Right? Simple enough... Then, here it comes ladies and gentlemen... You, the "strong woman" suddenly get hit - blindsided - with a "I just don't know how I feel..."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Run for the hills, 9-1-1, FIRE, Alert Alert...

Now what? Suddenly, that STRONG Woman... is spiralling through every time a man has let her down. The absent father, the slam bam thank you ma'am, the ones who just seem to disappear... Maybe this time it will be dif...diffffffff....argh... I can't even say it. So now what? Here I am, weak, blind, confused and ready to don my safety helmet... He's got me AND his freedom while I'm left with "I DON'T KNOW" Ok... here's a thought... A man is offered a job making $500K a year. Doesn't matter doing what cuz that's good money! Anyway, benefits, money, everything... what does he say? Does he take the job? OF COURSE... and why is that?

BECAUSE HE CAN RECOGNIZE THAT IT'S A GOOD THING!!!!

Do you hear that ladies? Do we ever truly say "I don't know" to good things? To something that we value, appreciate or cherish do we EVER say, well, hold on, maybe, we'll see, I just don't know.

So... what does that tell me? I'm not of value to this person. I am not of the utmost importance. So, it doesn't matter what I feel for them...HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO ME!!!

So, you wimpy little whiney sad-sack of a girl, put your big girl panties on and deal with it! Anyone who loves you wouldn't say that they didn't know if they wanted to be with you!

And, boys and girls, that means that the man-hating, she-ra, she-bitch, STRONG WOMAN has to come back into action.

if you can't show enough smarts to appreciate the kind, compassionate, supportive, understanding, loving, giving, fun, GODDESS who is right in front of you... Go To Hell!!!

Get it?

Got it?

GOOD!