Without a Net

I know that most everyone feels that their life is a non-stop balancing act… I won’t disagree. Over the last couple of years I have felt more and more like I’m walking a tight-rope made of glass and covered in dish soap and every time I feel as though I’m building up some sort of safety net, someone somewhere yanks it away.

In September of 2007 my oldest son was diagnosed with Leukemia (A.L. L.) at the age of 8. At this point, my youngest son was 3.

From that point on, my youngest took a back-seat to big brother’s hospitalizations, Dr’s appointments, etc. I’ve had heartbreaking conversations with my baby boy on the phone when he’s asked me “Mommy, are you ever coming back for me?”

What person could hear that and not fall to pieces?

So here we are now, we’ve made it to 2009 and while the oldest doesn’t stop chemo until 12/2010 he’s doing well and is not on the “strong” stuff that he was previously.

Things should be getting better… right? Why can't it be THAT simple?

I can’t build up any leave at work because the “big” boy still gets sick more often than typical kids and I’m out for Dr’s appointments, blood work and the like. There’s still the medical bills and the daily medications which are a routine part of my child’s life and a routine gaping hole in my budget.

I’m on my own here, and I feel like I’m going to fall at anytime… fail at any moment

Now my little guy has to have his tonsils and adenoids removed… and guess what loving mommy will most likely have to take (even more) leave without pay? Yeah… I should be able to take that week of recovery to be with my child… not stressing over how to balance him and where he can go so that I can get back to work. That’s not fair to him…it’s just not right.

This additional drain of my leave means that I’ve had to cancel my trip to D.C. for a pediatric cancer advocacy group. Not to mention, my oldest is supposed to have a trip with Make A Wish… and guess who won’t have “leave” balances available for that either? Uh-huh. You got it, leave without pay.

Through all of this (and here comes where I really sound bitter) where have the “helpers” of the world been? The fundraising, house cleaning, meal making, awareness helpers that are supposed to be there for me… for my boys… to help relieve the crushing amounts of stress that I just don’t know what to do with anymore… Do you know where they are?

I don’t either.

Here I am… in debt beyond my eyeballs, with no hope of ever regaining the career that I once had, no hope of anyone ever offering to take up the reigns and save me… just no hope.
I’m truly not one to willingly ask for help… or to really expect it. I wasn’t brought up on “hand-outs” or ever been given lavish gifts or money. I have no expectations for what people should do… and I have no problem working for me and my children’s lives… but would it really be the end of the world if just a little simple free good graces fell on us with no strings attached…one win-fall of WOW?

What does a girl like me hang onto... this tight-rope isn’t holding up so well…

Da Rulez

It's amazing just how many ways one's own life can become screwed up.

I've generally been a girl that follows "THE RULES" to life.

Be kind to others

Don't take what isn't yours

Give whenever you can give

Earn a living and use your money responsibly

Work hard and you'll be rewarded

Love openly, honestly and loyally

Well, I could go on, but I won't... Anyway, I'm not perfect, don't get me wrong. I break the law daily in my commute to work (I speed) and there are times when I don't necessarily give when I could give... but over all, I have followed those rules to life.

So, why is it that I continue to get the absolute opposite of those rules thrown in my face and used against me?

Most people in my life have been far from kind, I've had things (including purses/cash) stolen from me, those who have "a lot" that are close to me, still don't give when they could, ***work related items omitted**, and love? HA... the "love" in my life was not open, honest or anything near to loyal.

So...WHAT'S UP!?!?!?!

Tid Bits

My Son: Mommy, I don't want my hair cut. I think i like it long.
Me: well bud, your daddy likes it short and if you go to visit with long hair he's gonna get it cut.
My Son: but I like it longer
me: so do i...talk to your daddy and see what he says
My Son: but mommy... daddy's not the boss of you anymore!?!?!?!

WOW...

It's a HEAVY Issue

Yes... Every pun was intended...

OMG, I got on a scale this morning for the first time in a long time and I thought that I would be sick. Literally I felt physically ill!

I am back to my pre-separation weight! I've gained back everything that I lost and I am edging on tears right now!

Do they still wire jaws shut???

If It's Free... It's for Meeeeee

This is super duper simple...

Do you like free?

Do you like chicken?

Do you like FREE CHICKEN?


Then woo hoo... Free Grilled Chicken Meal from KFC!


Yup... soak it in... let it register... FREEEEEEE ....

You will have to load the coupon printer software from Coupons, Inc. however, it too is free. HA!

Offer valid 05/05/09 - 05/19/09 (excluding Mother's Day)

I Lu-Lu-Lu- Oh hell, I Give Up

<----- Have stick figure cartoon people ever made more sense?

Have you ever read "Maybe He's Just Not That Into You" I have...Yet I apparently still have a problem with ACTUALLY LIVING IT.
The sad thing is that the "strong woman" inside of me totally gets the book. No B.S., no complications, no excuses... If he wants to be with me, He WILL BE WITH ME...Right? Simple enough... Then, here it comes ladies and gentlemen... You, the "strong woman" suddenly get hit - blindsided - with a "I just don't know how I feel..."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Run for the hills, 9-1-1, FIRE, Alert Alert...

Now what? Suddenly, that STRONG Woman... is spiralling through every time a man has let her down. The absent father, the slam bam thank you ma'am, the ones who just seem to disappear... Maybe this time it will be dif...diffffffff....argh... I can't even say it. So now what? Here I am, weak, blind, confused and ready to don my safety helmet... He's got me AND his freedom while I'm left with "I DON'T KNOW" Ok... here's a thought... A man is offered a job making $500K a year. Doesn't matter doing what cuz that's good money! Anyway, benefits, money, everything... what does he say? Does he take the job? OF COURSE... and why is that?

BECAUSE HE CAN RECOGNIZE THAT IT'S A GOOD THING!!!!

Do you hear that ladies? Do we ever truly say "I don't know" to good things? To something that we value, appreciate or cherish do we EVER say, well, hold on, maybe, we'll see, I just don't know.

So... what does that tell me? I'm not of value to this person. I am not of the utmost importance. So, it doesn't matter what I feel for them...HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO ME!!!

So, you wimpy little whiney sad-sack of a girl, put your big girl panties on and deal with it! Anyone who loves you wouldn't say that they didn't know if they wanted to be with you!

And, boys and girls, that means that the man-hating, she-ra, she-bitch, STRONG WOMAN has to come back into action.

if you can't show enough smarts to appreciate the kind, compassionate, supportive, understanding, loving, giving, fun, GODDESS who is right in front of you... Go To Hell!!!

Get it?

Got it?

GOOD!

Not Cool...

Hi Peeps...
WOW... so, I thought for a minute it would be funny to explain our horrible, sick with kids weekend...

NO MORE

I'm siiiiiiiiiiiick....

It's Sucks big time...

I need broth based soup and a massage... HELP

Just Plain Funny... HA!

How We Tried to Have Easter

If you take a gander at the previous post, well, you will see that Easter was far from festive around here. Nonetheless, we sure did try! We had the 5 boys make their own shirts... here are the few shots that I was able to catch

This is Aedan and Josh... Far background is Eli

Here's the actual Eli up close and Kool-Aide faced

Of course, here's Aedan again... If there's a camera there's an Aedan

Then of course, I also tried to make a good home-grown type of meal. We had a whole ham - pineapple and brownsugar covered! - mashed potatoes, gravy, corn, green bean casserole, crescent rolls, deviled eggs and creamy cucumbers. Check these out:

What is Hell???

So, have you ever stopped to think of what hell really is or where for that matter?

Well, everyone has their theories, beliefs and histories and such, however...

I have found it.

Hell is a small duplex home, with 2 adults and 6 children in it (plus 3 cats). They are all there over Easter weekend.

You would think that this is a pretty bad scenario, but OH NO... that's just uncomfortable, we haven't discovered hell yet.

Now... those 6 kids are 9, 8, 6, 4, 3, and nearly 2 (side note: 5 boys, 1 girl).

Today is Monday and of those 6 children 5 have been sick.

Now now now, boys and girls, no I don't mean the sniffles... I'm talkin' serious stomach flu sickness!!!

Yes... Yes, this is hell.

Randomness You Should Check Out

Sometimes you come across things that are just cool to know, or bargains worth checking out. Well, when I do, I love to pass it along.

So...here ya go:
Have you seen the Netbooks? Check out this deal from AT&T
http://shopping.yahoo.com/articles/yshoppingarticles/221/att-to-offer-50-netbooks/

Long story short, Netbook for dang cheap.

Your Car Keys Can Save Your LIfe!!!!!

Did you know that your car keys could one day save your life? Seriously! Want to know how?

Ok, let's all use our imaginations for a moment.

You're leaving KMart late at night. It's dark, with only a few of those lamps in the parking lot. You have your bags of merchandise (you just wiped out their clearance sale on Easter Candy). You're fumbling your way out to your car with the bags and purse, or whatever, and next thing you know, you hear someone moving up quickly behind you. What if he/she is coming to grab you? Hit you and steal your money? What will you do? If you're at all like me, right about now your heart is thumping in your chest.

Well, most of us have a keyring that has a few keys at least. Well, before you even walk out into the lot, take those keys and put one between each finger of one hand. This is as if you're putting knives on your fist. If someone were to try to grab you, you swing and keys will seriously cut like a knife! Not to mention, if someone grabs your purse off of your shoulder, at least you have your car and house keys in your hand already (I speak from personal experience).

Also, a lot of cars have key fobs with alarms on them... If yours does, read on...

Obviously, that alarm button could help with the above scenario if someone were trying to snatch you. But, what if you're walking to your car and slip on ice and are really hurt? Hit that panic button so someone will notice.

And finally...

Keep those keys by your bedside at night. If you hear anything unusual, or someone trying to access your house, hit that panic button! Send that alarm wailing and that potential burglar will want nothing more than to be gone!

I'm sure we can think of more if we try...but how cool is that!!?? To think... My keys could save me!

Easter: The Christian and the Pagan Holiday

It's pretty much common knowledge that Easter is a Christian celebration of Christ's rising, but this holiday also has pagan origins.

Easter falls in the spring, the yearly time of renewal, when the earth renews itself after a long, cold winter. The word Easter comes to us from the Norsemen's Eostur, Eastar, Ostara, and Ostar, and the pagan goddess Eostre, all of which involve the season of the growing sun and new birth. The Easter Bunny arose originally as a symbol of fertility, due to the rapid reproduction habits of the hare and rabbit.

The ancient Egyptians, Persians, Phoenicians, and Hindus all believed the world began with an enormous egg, thus the egg as a symbol of new life has been around for eons.

The egg is nature's perfect package. It has, during the span of history, represented mystery, magic, medicine, food and omen. It is the universal symbol of Easter celebrations throughout the world and has been dyed, painted, adorned and embellished in the celebration of its special symbolism.

Before the egg became closely entwined with the Christian Easter, it was honored during many rite-of-Spring festivals. The Romans, Gauls, Chinese, Egyptians and Persians all cherished the egg as a symbol of the universe. From ancient times eggs were dyed, exchanged and shown reverence.

Neato ....Huh?

Now, we have tons of hard-boiled, dyed, crayoned, stickered and painted eggs... what do we do with them all?

The Perfect Hard-Boiled Eggs

Step 1: Place eggs in a saucepan in an even layer and cover in cold water, enough to reach the top of the shells.

Step 2: Cover with a lid and bring to a boil. Remove from heat immediately and let stand for about 10-15 minutes.

Step 3: Drain off the hot water and cover in cold water along with a few ice cubes. Let stand until completely cooled.

Keep these helpful hints in mind when making your hard-boiled eggs:
Tip: Farm fresh eggs are much harder to peel, so opt for older eggs if you plan to hard boil.
Tip: Add a small amount of baking soda to the boiling water to help make peeling easier.
Tip: Try rolling hard-boiled eggs lightly against a counter for easier cracking and peeling.

The Best Deviled Eggs

Serves 6-8Total

Time: 20 minutes

INGREDIENTS

1 dozen hard-boiled eggs, peeled

3 heaping tablespoons reduced-fat mayonnaise

1 tablespoon lemon juice

2 tablespoons fresh chives, finely chopped (plus more for garnish)

4 slices of cooked bacon, finely chopped (or bacon bits)

2 teaspoons dried tarragon

1/2 teaspoon dried mustard

1/2 teaspoon saltFreshly ground pepper, to taste

INSTRUCTIONS
Take each of your peeled hard-boiled eggs and slice off the bottom (wide) end to expose the yolk. Cut a small sliver off of the top (pointed) end to help it sit up straight.
Scoop out the yolks into a medium-sized bowl and place the whites carefully into an empty egg carton with the hole-end up for filling purposes.
In your bowl, mash the yolks with a fork and add mayonnaise, lemon juice, chives, bacon, tarragon and mustard, then stir well. Add salt and pepper to taste.
Use a pastry bag with a piping tip or a zip top plastic bag with a corner snipped at an angle to fill your egg whites with the yolk mixture. Add more mayo if the mixture is too thick to pass through. Garnish with chopped fresh chives.

Tip: You can buy piping tips in the cake decorating section of the grocery store. Try attaching one to your zip top bag for more precise and decorative filling.

Part II: “Blended Families" and Baggage

Rise and shine and meet the day! Smell the coffee sweeties… Baggage… we ALL have BAGGAGE! Unless of course you were fortunate to have perfect parents who never split or argued, who also had perfect parents who never split or argued and each of them had … well you get what I mean. That AND you married, are still with, happy and blissful together the very first person you dated seriously.

So, we all have baggage.

Here’s the thing, we bring this baggage everywhere we go, it begins to mold and shape us into what we are to the world; good and bad. Ultimately, when we go into this new relationship, new family, etc. we view things that this new partner does in the same way that we would have viewed these actions in our previous partner. So if they look a certain direction, sigh a certain way, and so on and so on, we automatically jump to the same reaction we would have given to the other partner. We become impatient, annoyed, and even argumentative. Heaven forbid that this new person have any of the same qualities as the old partner because then … well, it is all going to be amplified to say the least.

How do we handle this? How can one partner bring it to the attention of the other without inciting an argument? Is it impossible to move on in this new relationship yet drop the baggage?

I have no clue. Hell, if I did I’d be one of those so-called experts, Right? HA…

Part I: Blended Families - Fact or Fiction?

So, is it truly possible to take him and his, then add her and hers and blend them all together to make a blended family?

Let's say each of the divorced parents remarried to someone who had one child from a previous marriage. Now you each have to navigate 44 relationships. Your 2 children have to obey 6 different adults with differing ideas of right and wrong. They each have to be siblings to children from 3 other families with no one in final authority to settle disputes.

Think about that for a moment...

And we dare wonder why there are problems... children acting out... HA.... I jiggle like a bowl full of jelly with laughter...

How do we handle it? The "experts" say a lot about it - on a side note, am I the only one who's noticed a lot of the experts have absolutely no personal experience in these matters? - anyway, they always talk about consistency, word power, etc. Want to know what I think? Oooh...Come on...Sure you do, that's why you're here right? hehehehe

Ok... I've been a child of divorce, and remarriage... and a couple more of both too to be honest. And now, I too am one of the divorcee statistics. So... in som small way I'd like to think that this gives me a unique (ok, not so unique) or thorough perspective.

To summarize my opinion, it SUCKS, no ifs, ands or buts about it! From my adult (ha) perspective of today, it's truly difficult. I can see where being someone without children or being with someone without would make things so much more simple. However, it's not the real world...you don't meet a whole lot of people who are single and still have no children once you've reached a certain age bracket.

But, let's think about this... can you and this new person ever truly be partners then? Will you ever be a not single parent? The fact is that it really doesn't change an enormous amount. Here's the thing, this new person in your life is still going to be 100% in their kids lives, regardless of if they life with him/her or not. This means that while you and yours may have Monday night baseball, they and theirs have Monday night golf lessons....NOW WHAT?

This is a reality that sucks... it is when you realize that you're still a single parent... that you will ALWAYS and FOREVER MORE be a single parent. WOW... now that is some nasty crud huh!?!?!

They and theirs will certainly be going in a different direction than you and yours... again with the WOW factor. Now what?

Do you date only those without kids? That's kind of unrealistic... find a great partner with kids vs. find an OK partner without, which makes better long-term sense?

Do you never settle down (so to speak) until all the kids are old enough to where they don't want anything to do with you anyway? HA... well, that could get pretty sad and pretty lonely.

Date someone extraordinarily older or younger than yourself? Hm...possibilities...

Forget it all and crawl into a hole.... Yup... that's the one.

Ok, Ok, if you have kids, the hole crawling option isn't really an option. If you're anything like me, you're happy to find someone who cares for and about children. But it still answers NO QUESTIONS AT ALL.

Forever a single parent, even if I date, live with, marry or whatever with one person for the next 50 years... WOW... talk about a sucker punch.

Therefore, In reality, a truly blended family would be FICTION (unless of course one or more of the exes is "passed on" - not likely).

...

... .... Part I;

... ... ... ... Part II tomorrow...

Save the date

Save the date:

June 22 – 23

CureSearch REACH THE DAY 2009 will be the ninth annual gathering of the childhood cancer community in Washington, D.C.

The event provides an opportunity for those who care about children with cancer, to share their story with our nation’s leaders, and to impress upon them that critical funding for childhood cancer research is needed.

We come together in one place on one day to raise our voices for all children with cancer and for those who no longer have a voice..

EVERYONE is welcome and there is NO COST to register for this event. The only expense would be in travel and hotel.

For sign-up, or more information please contact me at:

Justwondering1997@yahoo.com

Or

Sabrinag191@myactv.net

**We are hoping to work together and fundraise in order to assist in covering the travel and hotel expense for our group – this will be a vital portion of our success in making it to this event**

SUPER IMPORTANT!!!!!

Save the date:
June 22 – 23

CureSearch REACH THE DAY 2009 will be the ninth annual gathering of the childhood cancer community in Washington, D.C.

The event provides an opportunity for those who care about children with cancer, to share their story with our nation’s leaders, and to impress upon them that critical funding for childhood cancer research is needed.

We come together in one place on one day to raise our voices for all children with cancer and for those who no longer have a voice.

EVERYONE is welcome and there is NO COST to register for this event. The only expense would be in travel and hotel.

For sign-up, or more information please contact me at:

Justwondering1997@yahoo.com
Or
Sabrinag191@myactv.net

**We are hoping to work together and fundraise in order to assist in covering the travel and hotel expense for our group – this will be a vital portion of our success in making it to this

event**

Siblings...

Do you have any siblings?

I have been fortunate enough to have been blessed with a "little" brother (he's over 6 ft something) and sister...

Now some would call "technicality" on me as while we have the same mother, our father's are different. That would a HALF brother and sister... but seriously... you either are or you aren't...Right?

Anyway, they live over 1100 miles away and I can't even begin to tell you how much that's been ripping me apart.

I was pretty lucky growing up when it came to my brother. He's about 9.5 years younger than I and I had a lot of time with him (relatively speaking) before I was all grown up and wasn't able to get out there to visit as much. I carried him, snuggled him, picked on and tortured him (c'mon I am oldest!) and dragged him with me where ever I went whenever I could. He was and always will be my munchkin.

With my sister, I just never had enough time. Now she's all but grown up and so far away and GOD...what am I missing out on!?!?! Here's this gorgeous, sweet girl who is MY sister and I don't really know her... you know?

I have personally felt very alone lately, which is most likely the cause of my sort of home-sick feeling for the sister and brother that I have but never really had. In my life, family is a pretty scarce thing. We don't really have gatherings, no one is very close (location) or hangs out. At least not in any way that I'm included. This tends to make me feel like a piece of flux floating on the ocean...no real home or place to settle.

Here I am and my little brother is all grown up. He's 21, on his own, job, school, girl, the whole 9 yards. And I don't know that I'll ever get real time with him again. I really want that real time.

And my sister... just turned 17... enough said there...

So, it would seem that my chance is past. You just can't ever seem to regain the connections once you've missed them. I love my siblings... more than they would ever know or believe... but what's left to do with that?

Feeling Hopeful?

So, as you know, I've been attempting to make some useful handmade things...

I love to get feedback, so I sent an email in mass with some work that I've done and had a response from a group which is near and dear to my heart!

A Message of Hope Cancer Fund

This group is grass-roots and deserves to move up into the trees! The people there are amazing and they truly see the importance of what families need when dealing with a cancer diagnosis and treatment regimen.

So...long story short, let me know what you think of my first lettering experience and please do check out A Message of Hope and see if you can help... time... money... anything helps! Take it from someone who knows!

Thanks!

Balance - Zen - Humanity

Hello lovies!

In my life, all through it...as long as I can remember, I've always felt scattered... and as my consciousness has grown, I've increasingly come to believe that there is something in me that is out of balance.

Zen? Spirit? No clue... HOWEVER... I've come across a site that more than 100,000 have found before me and it's AMAZING!

Zen Habits - Written by Leo Babauta

Check it out... read about him, what he's accomplished... his tips, etc.

This is how I WANT to be...it's what my heart and soul desires. Lofty notions... lofty goals... but, as with all things and as I learn more and more from my Kylie8Cake friend... I can only take one thing at a time. So...I need to learn what I can and cannot do... and then learn that limitations mean nothing and all things are achievable... just not always the easy or expected way!