What's it all about ...Alfiiiiieeee?

Sooo, this is my eye... lol

Anyway, my crochet bug has persisted. It's kind of funny considering that the weather is now warming up. Can anyone explain? I think I'm making a shawl type of wrap item? No clue. We'll just see when it's done. It's kind of like abstract art to me...I don't really know what it is I'm making... I'm just going in the direction that feels right.



Can anyone tell me if they think that there's any possibility in making money with any of this? Grrr...

I continue to grow frustrated and stressed over my current life... well, past and future too, but consider that the current life is the now and now is where I am, I guess that's what I'll need to focus on...

Is it completely wrong, immature or idiotic to be 31 years old (eeewwww) and have no clue at all what you want from your life or who the hell you are? I used to know... a few years ago, I knew that I was a mother and wanted to be, that I was a wife and wanted to be and that I was a manager of a place that I respected, in which I felt respected and valued and thought that I was doing well... that I may even be able to be considered as successful.

Now, March of 2009, well, I don't know any of that.... well... except the mom part. Come on, that had to have been a given right?

How I feel is that I'm drowning in:

• Mom
  
• Daughter


• Granddaughter


• Sister


• Girlfriend


• Employee


• "Ex"


• Friend


• Nurse


• Maid


• Cook


• Supporter


• Therapist

That's a lot to be!

Then, there's what I want to be/feel:

• free


• creative


• crafty


• singer


• artist


• entrepreneur


• respected


• trusted


• loved


• great mother... GREAT


• invincible


• free


• active

................................Weeeeeeell.... that list could go on! FOREVER!

So anyway, what do I do with all this? How do you get "help" when you don't have time...sincerely don't have time. I find myself growing envious... GREEN with it... of people who don't have children, who get along with their ex, who's children behave more than misbehave, seem to have time, who are focused, who are driven... again, this too could be never-ending.

What's my point!?!? I don't know. If I knew, hell, then I probably wouldn't need to write it down. I've lost all drive, focus, passion... I've really lost a lot...

Every ending leads to a new beginning

A Mother's Guilt

Seriously speaking, I am many things in my life... some make sense and most don't, however, before anything and everything else...I AM A MOM.

Have you heard of Mother's Guilt? Thanks to women's lib, women today have more to be "strong" for than ever before. Truly, I think it's getting even harder every day. More and more, traditional roles are greyed.

Please, Do not mis-understand me...I am all for the working mom, the right to wear the skirt or the pants in my family. However, for most people there are still some basic beliefs that are so ingrained it's taking longer to change. Longer than the push of women doing it all is taking.

Anyway, with all this, a mother's guilt is even worse. Mom has always had guilt. It's are we doing enough, loving enough, teaching enough...etc. However, today it's much worse. Have I left them alone too much, at daycare too long, too many activities, not enough activities, was the dinner I made healthy enough, did I clean the floor good enough, are their clothes good enough, should I be making more money, should I quit, are my benefits good enough... trust me...it could go on and on and on and on and on...

Now...if you get the unique (though not so rare any longer) privilege of being a single mother...WHOA...Watch out! Because you will have guilt like no other! It's never ending and to be honest...sometimes completely irrational!

I can tell you from personal experience, if you have the "father" involved, whatever the situation, he will find a way to make it even worse. When he is done with you, the hole in the ozone, Holocaust, seal clubbing, oil dependency, trans-fats, cancer AND the stain on your son's jacket will all be your fault!

I know I make a joke here...but Guys... cut (some) of us a break... and ladies... try to find someone you trust to lean on. I for one have only the choice to do what I can... and try.