Saturday, March 21, 2009

What's it all about ...Alfiiiiieeee?

Sooo, this is my eye... lol

Anyway, my crochet bug has persisted. It's kind of funny considering that the weather is now warming up. Can anyone explain? I think I'm making a shawl type of wrap item? No clue. We'll just see when it's done. It's kind of like abstract art to me...I don't really know what it is I'm making... I'm just going in the direction that feels right.

Can anyone tell me if they think that there's any possibility in making money with any of this? Grrr...

I continue to grow frustrated and stressed over my current life... well, past and future too, but consider that the current life is the now and now is where I am, I guess that's what I'll need to focus on...

Is it completely wrong, immature or idiotic to be 31 years old (eeewwww) and have no clue at all what you want from your life or who the hell you are? I used to know... a few years ago, I knew that I was a mother and wanted to be, that I was a wife and wanted to be and that I was a manager of a place that I respected, in which I felt respected and valued and thought that I was doing well... that I may even be able to be considered as successful.

Now, March of 2009, well, I don't know any of that.... well... except the mom part. Come on, that had to have been a given right?

How I feel is that I'm drowning in:
  • Mom
  • Daughter

  • Granddaughter

  • Sister

  • Girlfriend

  • Employee

  • "Ex"

  • Friend

  • Nurse

  • Maid

  • Cook

  • Supporter

  • Therapist
That's a lot to be!

Then, there's what I want to be/feel:

  • free

  • creative

  • crafty

  • singer

  • artist

  • entrepreneur

  • respected

  • trusted

  • loved

  • great mother... GREAT

  • invincible

  • free

  • active
................................Weeeeeeell.... that list could go on! FOREVER!

So anyway, what do I do with all this? How do you get "help" when you don't have time...sincerely don't have time. I find myself growing envious... GREEN with it... of people who don't have children, who get along with their ex, who's children behave more than misbehave, seem to have time, who are focused, who are driven... again, this too could be never-ending.

What's my point!?!? I don't know. If I knew, hell, then I probably wouldn't need to write it down. I've lost all drive, focus, passion... I've really lost a lot...

Every ending leads to a new beginning

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